Introduction
Written during the early months of my sobriety, this reflection explores the gradual realization that healing rarely arrives through a single revelation. Instead, it emerges through countless small choices that slowly reshape the way we see ourselves and the world around us.
Rather than assigning blame to a single event or circumstance, this essay examines how patterns of thought, self-perception, and identity can quietly sustain suffering. It follows the movement from resignation toward responsibility; not as an act of self-judgment, but as an act of reclaiming agency.
Although revised several years later, the heart of the piece remains unchanged. It marks one of the first times I recognized that choosing life is not a single decision, but a practice renewed every day.
The Void
Personal Essay • February 28, 2022
It took a lot of deep reflection and introspection to figure out how I was welcoming misery into my life.
There's not one singular entity or reason why a void in my chest festered with bitterness, leeching peace with addiction and self-loathing.
It was the culmination of countless choices, brick by brick, that propped up the blade I balanced on.
I felt like it was my burden to bear, a curse endlessly reincarnated in every lifetime.
A retribution of karma from alternate iterations of self throughout the Infiniverse.
Bittersweet and familiar suffering was my island in an endless sea.
Looking down at my unsteady feet, my calculated and calibrated balancing act, it was the only perspective that I had.
Desperately peering over the black nothingness of oblivion, searching for reason, a purpose.
Below, the void received nourishment from my essence, dripping from the soles of my feet.
Yet, blinded with my despair, I continued feeding it.
It feels nothing. It is nothing. Yet it called out to me, always.
It will consume all that you offer. You gift it with all that it takes.
Eventually becoming the weighted blanket that laid me down with complacent surrender.
My reflection, my shadow.
○
When I stopped looking down, everything changed.
I realized I had the power to change. The only thing we ever truly have, are our choices.
We are energy, packaged within water and earth, fire and air, bonded into one.
A ethereal wisp in flesh. Spirit incarnated within our bloody, bird-caged, hearts.
Energy transmuted from the flame within.
Rebirth within every cell, yet also consuming the finite creation within this current form.
Until you're released, back into the unending, ever-expanding, and infinite cosmos.
Unshackled from triviality of singular existence, I found liberation in my own finitude.
Releasing control, submitting to humility and grace.
Only then, did I find relief.
Unburdened from the concept of time and reality, I rise.
Vibration harps on my heart cords, spirit reigniting my most precious light.
I look forward.
Becoming my own hope and protector.
I become the creator, the architect of my existence.
Shielding my tenderness with wrathless fury.
I overflow with love and wonder.
"Therefore I say to you, any sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven men, but blasphemy against the Spirit shall not be forgiven." - Matthew 12:31
Every infinite version of my soul is now empowered to gently surface and bestow their unique gift.
Bubbling and flowing, an offering to the Source, from the Source.
We channel creation into existence.
We demand every.single.last.drop. of Light back from the Void.
Pouring an endless and infinite flow of energy from our core.
Never groveling and pleading for more.
I become more. I deserve more.
I irrevocably and joyfully choose life, without guilt, and all of the delights and kindness it offers.
Behind the Work
Unlike my poetry, this piece relies less on rhythm or imagery and more on philosophical reflection. While symbolic language appears throughout, its purpose is to articulate an internal shift rather than construct a narrative.
Many of the ideas introduced here would later become recurring themes throughout my artwork and writing: transformation, personal responsibility, duality, interconnectedness, and the belief that creativity itself is a form of healing which connects us to the divine.
Revisiting the essay years later [2026], I chose to refine the language without changing its central message. Rather than rewriting who I was, I wanted to preserve the perspective of someone learning to trust hope again.
Reflection
Looking back, I no longer read this as an essay about addiction.
Instead, I read it as an essay about permission.
Permission to let go of old identities.
Permission to stop feeding the parts of myself that only consumed.
Permission to believe that life could become something I actively participated in creating rather than simply enduring.
That perspective continues to influence my work today, whether expressed through writing, visual art, or the act of preserving something beautiful before it disappears.
Work Details
Written: February 28, 2022
Medium: Personal Essay • Reflective Writing • Philosophical Meditation
Primary Themes: Recovery • Personal Agency • Hope • Transformation • Identity • Spiritual Reflection • Self-Compassion • Consciousness
Literary Devices: Extended Metaphor • Symbolism • Personification • Parallelism • Philosophical Reflection • Biblical Allusion • Cosmic Imagery
Related Works: Gravity of Duality, Fractal Future, Saturn Return, Morgan
This piece is one chapter in a much larger story.
Discover what came before, what followed, and how this work fits into the evolution of my artistic practice.
Continue the Journey
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